Self-sabotage

What happens when everything seems to be going right and falling into place? There’s something in the back of your mind that goes “Wait, something should be going wrong. And if it isn’t, let’s think about all the worst case scenarios anyway…”

If you’re like me you do that…

I’ve come to a big realization today that the things I once had hoped and prayed for, are actually HERE. However I am not enjoying any of them because of self sabotage. I just keep thinking about all the things that haven’t gone right are still aren’t right, and all the things I still haven’t been able to check off my goals list. Instead of looking at all the things that I have been able to do.

How do I stop doing this. How do WE stop doing this?

As a whole, we put so much pressure on ourselves. Especially us with chronic illnesses. I quite frankly rarely talk about endo anymore. I barely participated in awareness month. Heck, I barely have been sticking to my vitamin and supplement regimen. I’ve come to the realization that I… am burned out.

I have overwhelmed my nervous system with so much information that I actually have caused my body to just want to shut off.

I found that I needed to nap throughout the day to get through a normal day, I didn’t spend any time rejuvenating in nature, I didn’t see friends, I wasn’t hitting any REM sleep stages and so many other things.

Even though there are things around us we cannot control (bad things) including our chronic illness, I neglected all the things that were still good.

I am always reminded on how short life is and I am surprised at myself to see how I still struggle to put that practice into play in my own life. I overextend and overstretch my capabilities when there are times I really need to slow down and look at things from a gratuitous point of view.

I had a talk with my dad yesterday, who if you read my book you know struggles with illness himself, and he told me I was headed in his direction. When he was just a bit older than the age I am now he found himself over-extended and burnt out and one day he collapsed in our home while he was working on repairs in it. I had no idea. I was only 9 at the time and we were moving in so I most likely was with a relative, but he told me it was that moment when he realized he needed to stop. His friends all told him he was going to dig himself into an early grave.

When do things ease up on us? When do we say enough is enough? I don’t want to reach that point. I don’t want to collapse. Endo has taken so much from me already that I know I don’t need that to happen to know how bad this added stress is affecting me. Or any of us for that matter.

I used to tell myself when I was younger that if I struggled early on then when I got older I wouldn’t have to struggle so much and I see that that was a lie to myself. A coping mechanism I used to deal with the stress. It’s a lie. The more you allow yourself to accept the more you will add on to your struggles.

Today’s objective: Learn the line between pushing yourself and not crossing your limit and becoming burnt out.

I realize I rambled today but, welcome to my thoughts. You’ve been here a while now. These should be normal to you (lol).